Daniel Spisak on Technology

Halloween was interesting. This one girl whom I had been talking to on Friendster up and calls me just as I am about to walk into my Java programming class this last Thursday. She invites me to go out with her and her girlfriends and me being an opportunist for new experiences decide to take her up on her offer.

Turns out they are nice people, I might hang out with them some more perhaps but I felt a bit akward the whole time. There were periods of time where I was just sort of standing there listening to everything going on and what everyone was saying, but not saying much of anything back because I didn’t have much of anything to say. I’m not sure if this was some of my shyness coming out again or my thoughts hovering over Ghent’s death or just my complete and total lack to say something interesting.

Perhaps it was all of them. I still don’t really know.

So I went to Pierce Street Annex in Costa Mesa with them and then partway into the night went to the party that Victim and Tony were at. That was a fun one and I met some nice people there too whom I was able to at least talk to like a regular person and not my stunning imitation of a mute from earlier in the night.

At some point I then think to myself “I should go to Adrienne’s, I did tell her I would show up”. So Mike, Sammy, Lisa and myself get into Mike’s car and he drives us there only to find out we are just in time there for everyone we know to have left already and for a fight of some sort break out in the house and create lots of difficult emotions and tense and uncomfortable moments. We stayed around long enough to make sure things were back to some semblance of normal and gave Adrienne some hugs and then took off again to call it a night finally.

Saturday was Ghent’s wake at Intgerity House. I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing him very much or as closely as most others at the wake did; but I knew he was a good person. One had to only look around that night to see he had many people whom he had touched in his own special way. I can tell that some of my friends will be suffering from his passage from this world for quite some time. I plan to do my best to be there for them as much as I can in whatever capacity I think can help.

I wish I knew how to best be there for M and CHS. I’m flapping my arms as fast as I can.

After the wake I got home quite late in the morning, around 3AM. When I got out of my car I happened to look up into the sky and see stars. Looking at the stars always has had a calming effect on me. I dug out the digital camera from my backpack and took some photos of the night sky. I will post a good one I took later.

After only a few hours of sleep I had to get up in the morning early to drive down to San Diego on Sunday so I could help relieve Gary from his post for OES(Govenors Office of Emergencey Services) down at the Cedar Fire incident command post. Turns out just shortly after I got on site we got orders to demobilize our unit. Doing that took about two and a half hours and then I got to drive back to Los Al from SD. It was a nice drive, peaceful in a way.

I wish I had someone in the car with me on that drive to talk to about all of the changes that have happened in my life in the past 6 months.

I wish I wasn’t single. Constantly I fell like as if I am reminded of how I have been unable to find someone whom I am compatible with. Someone else who is out there who understand me, who gets the gestalt of Dan so to speak. I feel ungrounded at times, a nomad of my own time stream.

In my heart, I feel alone and that worries me.

The morbid side of me wonders what my own funeral would look like. Would their be a wake? Would anyone show up? What would be said of me? How would I be remembered, or would I be at all?

I do not want to die as a lonely man. I just want to find that person who makes me more complete then I thought possible. Someone who can make me see the stars again.